Edward Vs the Toddler
by Butterscotch82
Summary: Ch.1: Edward faces his toughest--or at least, his most annoying--adversary yet, in the form of a two-year-old. Post Twilight . Ch. 2: Find out how Edward and Bella handle Nessie when she takes on some of Eddie's less charming traits. Post Breaking Dawn .
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **This is my entry for Pel's Summer Lovin Contest. While brainstorming for story ideas, I came to a simple conclusion—I suck at writing pure fluff. I knew I couldn't compete with all the great romance writers out there, so instead I opted to relax and have a little fun. In other words, I resorted to one of my favorite things in the world—sarcasm. LOL! There's one other reason I wrote this story. For awhile now, I've been trying to incorporate a bit of my real life into my fanfiction. So this story is dedicated to the toddlers in my life.

Thank you so much to my two beta-readers for this story—the fabulous Cocoa, and the fantastic silly bella. Without their encouragement, this story may never have seen the light of day.

**Disclaimer:** All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the authors. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

**Edward Vs the Toddler**

**By Butterscotch**

The date started innocently enough. Edward and Bella drove to Port Angeles with the intent of shopping for Father's Day presents. Alice had begged to come along, but Edward had refused to share. In between stores they walked on the boardwalk, his arm around her supportively as she hobbled along in her walking cast. Bella didn't mind the awkwardness of the cast if it meant snuggling close to Edward. She wished they could forget shopping and just spend the rest of the evening along the bay. Unfortunately, in a moment of human weakness, her stomach betrayed her with an obnoxious growl.

Edward pretended to be exasperated. "Bella, why didn't you tell me you were hungry?"

She lowered her eyes in embarrassment. "Actually, I didn't realize I _was_ hungry." A light flush seeped across her cheeks. Edward caught his breath as a different type of hunger burned hot and dry within his throat.

And so the summer had passed thus far—Edward dazzling Bella, her blushing, him being masochistic. If not for his protests, Bella would try to subsist only on Edward—and occasionally, air. He was the one who reminded her to take a "human moment" now and then. But sometimes it was hard to remember such things when all he wanted was to gaze at her, hold her, kiss her…well, the list went on and on.

But for now, they both realized Bella was hungry and needed to eat. Edward insisted on taking her to a nearby Turkish restaurant. She, of course, protested ("We haven't found presents yet…It's only 4:30…That restaurant is too expensive…"). So he pulled her into his arms and trailed kisses from her collarbone to her lips. Oddly enough, she soon forgot why she'd been arguing in the first place.

Still feeling light-headed, Bella allowed Edward to drive her to the restaurant. The corner table they sat at was quiet, but only because the restaurant was nearly empty. Just as Bella finished giving her order of lamb kabobs to the waitress, a horde of people flooded through the front door. The waitress tore her eyes away from Edward in dismay, obviously dreading the boost in business. Bella snickered as the waitress glumly walked to the crowd of ravenous newcomers.

"What's with all the people?" she whispered to Edward.

"Tee ball game just ended," he replied without taking his eyes off Bella. "The Lions beat the Bears, so they came here to celebrate."

"Go Lions," she grumbled. The people and noise distracted her from Edward's magnificence. Sure, she could focus _harder_ on his face, but then she might pass out.

They watched as the waitress led a family to the table closest to Edward. The family consisted of a man with two children—a young girl in a tee ball uniform, and a little boy that looked about two years old. The girl was excitedly talking nonstop about the game. The boy seemed almost angelic with his curly blond hair and big blue eyes. When he caught sight of Bella, his face lit up in a huge grin. He waved at her with his small chubby hand. Bella, confused by the attention, halfway raised her hand in response.

Edward noticed the exchange and smiled sadly. "Bella, can you look at that little boy and honestly tell me you don't want children of your own someday?"

Caught off guard by the question, Bella nearly spit Coke all over the table. When she'd finally stopped coughing and spluttering, she glared at Edward, aghast. "Have you ever been around a toddler _at all_?" she asked incredulously.

He frowned at both her choking and her disbelief. "Of course I have!" he answered with an injured tone. When she raised her eyebrows, he rolled his eyes in defeat. "Okay, so I don't _personally _know any toddlers. But I've _seen_ several of them…from a distance. They're adorable, in an endearing, human way. Don't you think so?" He paused, watching as she attempted to hide her laughter. "What's so funny?" he demanded. "I've never seen you around a toddler, either, by the way."

A little snort escaped her before she pulled herself together. "When I lived in Phoenix, a few of my mom's friends had toddlers. Sometimes they'd come over to our house…" She trailed off, shuddering at the scary memories.

For the thousandth time, Edward wished he could read her mind. "I don't understand," he admitted in exasperation.

Bella hesitated; she didn't want to shatter his pleasant daydreams, but she couldn't see any way around it. "They're hellions, Edward. They're disobedient, mischievous, ornery little devils. They throw tantrums, break the rules, and get away with every possible thing. Raising a toddler is _not_ one of my life's ambitions."

Edward furrowed his marble brow in confusion. He glanced back at the little boy, who was sitting in a booster seat just an arm's length away. The boy had been smiling happily at Bella, but Edward's movement distracted him. His face changed dramatically as he suddenly glared at Edward in pure hatred. Then he stuck out his tongue and blew slobbery raspberries in Edward's direction.

The shock on Edward's face was priceless. Bella fought hard to keep a straight face, but it was a losing battle. She struggled for something to say. "Can you 'read' him the way you would an adult?" she finally managed.

"Not exactly." He turned back to face Bella, still stunned. "His vocabulary is limited, so he mainly thinks in images. It's a little confusing. But I think he likes you because you resemble his mother. I, apparently, am competing with him for your attention," he added sarcastically.

She couldn't help but smile. "Where's his mother?"

After a minute of "listening," Edward answered, "She's a doctor; she was called away for an emergency."

The father obviously had his hands full with the little girl who wouldn't stop talking. He finally noticed the little boy blowing spit towards Edward. "Now, Eddie," he chastised, "that's not very nice."

Bella and Edward stared at each other with wide eyes. "_Eddie_?" she whispered, feeling on the verge of hysterics. Edward could only shake his head—the irony left him speechless.

Fortunately, the waitress chose that moment to bring Bella her lamb kabobs and rice. She frantically began eating as a means of distraction. She did her best to ignore Eddie, who kept pointing to Edward and chanting "Doo-doo head, doo-doo head," over and over. The father attempted to placate Eddie by giving him some Cheerios. But once he turned back to the girl, Eddie started to throw Cheerios at Edward.

Edward turned into a statue as a safe form of defense. He stared straight ahead, not even blinking as the Cheerios bounced off his face and shirt. He broke the silence only once, muttering, "He has remarkable aim for a two-year-old." Bella shoveled the rice in faster, hoping she wouldn't choke.

Eddie was frustrated with the lack of response. Changing his game plan, he tried putting a Cheerio in his mouth before launching it. He giggled when it landed in Edward's hair and slid down his cheek, leaving a sticky trail.

The statue came to life, growling softly. Turning to glare, Edward's eyes revealed his inner monster. Eddie cowered instinctively and began to wail.

Edward looked away quickly, but it was too late. "_Edward Cullen_," Bella hissed at him. "How _could_ you?"

"I'm sorry…it was an accident." He stared at the table, mortified and ashamed, as the father tried to comfort Eddie.

Bella sighed and put her fork down. "C'mon, let's get out of here." For once, Edward didn't argue. He quickly threw some money on the table, and they stood up to leave. Suddenly, Eddie wiggled out of his booster seat and rushed over to Bella. Smiling shyly at her, he took her hand and gave it a slobbery kiss. "Pret-ty," he told her.

Despite her preformed notions, Bella was touched. She leaned down and kissed Eddie on his pink chubby cheek. Eddie grinned from ear to ear. His father, muttering apologies, picked up the escapee and put him back in the booster seat. Eddie waved sadly at Bella as Edward led her out of the restaurant.

They walked silently through the parking lot until they reached the Volvo, at which point Edward rounded on Bella. "You _kissed_ him?" His surprise was apparent, but something else was bothering him.

Bella stared back in disbelief. "Don't tell me you're _jealous_?!" She almost laughed, but the look on his face stopped her.

"That depends," he replied evasively.

"On _what_?!" she demanded.

"On whether or not you find _him_ more charming than me."

She opened her mouth to tell him how ridiculous he was being, when suddenly inspiration struck. Maybe she could work this to her advantage. "Well, I'm not sure." She hesitated as though in careful consideration. "The kiss on the hand _was_ very charming."

Edward immediately recognized the charade, but he decided to play along. He was _not_ going to be out-charmed by a toddler. Gently taking Bella's hand, he pressed his cool lips to her fingers. "Like this?" he murmured.

Bella shrugged nonchalantly. "You could use a little practice."

He raised his eyebrows. Challenging him, was she? He slowly kissed up the length of her arm, noticing her increased heart beat and heavier breathing. Then he leaned in to kiss her neck. "Any better?" he whispered against her skin.

She swallowed thickly before answering, "Not bad."

Victory was within his reach. He kissed her jaw from ear to chin, stopping to hover an inch from her mouth. "And now?" he breathed into her parted lips.

Her eyes hazed over as she struggled to breathe and reply coherently. "You are the epitome of class and charm," she mumbled.

"Thank you," he said with her favorite crooked grin. He closed the distance between them and sealed her mouth with his. The kiss lasted until Bella nearly fainted. Chuckling softly, he opened the car door and helped her to sit down. She was still trying to catch her breath when he slid into the driver's seat.

He gave her a serious look. "You never answered my question earlier."

"What question?" At the moment, she could barely recall her name. She made the mistake of turning towards him, and she was immediately ensnared in his smoldering gaze.

"Do you want to have children someday?" he asked softly.

Inwardly she cursed his beautiful topaz eyes—her own personal truth serum. "Only if you're the father."

Edward blinked in astonishment, clearly not expecting _that_ . His hold on her broke, and she gasped, horrified at what she'd revealed. She tried to redeem herself. "Of course, I know you can't father a child," she stammered. "And I definitely don't want anyone else's child. So, the point is…I choose Edward over Eddie." She smiled in a poor attempt to lighten the mood.

His answering smile was grim and silent.

"Say something," she pleaded nervously.

"I wish…" But he didn't finish the sentence.

"Yes?" she prodded, though she almost dreaded the answer.

He shook his head, and Bella knew he was altering what he'd almost said. "I wish I could read your mind. The things you say never cease to surprise me."

She sighed. "But I'm telling the truth, Edward. I don't want to be a mother. I only want _you_ ."

"Very few 17-year-olds want to be mothers. It's not until later that they change their minds. I just don't want you to regret losing that opportunity."

"It's my decision to make," she asserted stubbornly. But Edward shook his head again, and she knew they were back to their impasse—stalemate. She would let it go for now; she wanted to salvage the rest of their evening together. Shopping for Father's Day was ironic and potentially awkward, so that was out of the question. Next time they'd bring Alice to help them buy presents.

Bella turned to gaze at Edward lovingly, and that's when she noticed it. "Um, Edward…you have Cheerios in your hair."


	2. Chapter 2

False alarm—this is _not _an update to "Edward Vs the Toddler." However, an update could soon be possible…

As much as I enjoyed writing fanfiction, lately I've been devoting all my free time to original fiction. But when I recently discovered an opportunity to help someone through fanfiction, I couldn't pass it up.

The Support Stacie community is having a Stocking Stuffer Author Auction to help a woman with cancer pay her medical bills. Fanfiction authors are offering to write a holiday-themed story approximately 2500 words long. During the auction, November 29 to December 1, people can bid on any of the 57 authors signed up. If you have the highest bid at the end of the auction, the author will write a story just for you (whether it's posted publicly or not is up to the highest bidder).

For complete details about how to participate in the auction, visit my website at wwwDOTemrowanDOTcom. I'm offering to write a sequel to "Edward Vs the Toddler." Since it needs to be holiday-themed, it would have to take place post-**Breaking Dawn**. Want to know how Bella and Edward handle their _own _toddler? Then go to the auction and bid for the story! Most importantly, it's for a good cause. Thank you for your time, and I hope to see you at the auction!


	3. Edward Vs the Christmas Hooligans

**A/N: **This chapter was written for MarcyJ, who bought it during the Support Stacie charity auction. Marcy, thank you for your contribution, encouragement, and enthusiasm!

Many thanks to Pat for critiquing this chapter so quickly! With your help, this version is much better than the original.

And thank you to the fans of "Edward Vs the Toddler." I hope you enjoy this second installment!

**Disclaimer: **All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the authors. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

**----------------------------------------------------------------**

**EDWARD VS THE CHRISTMAS HOOLIGANS**

**----------------------------------------------------------------**

As a vampire, Bella had little to fear, but she would always fear Alice's Big Ideas. Bella knew one was coming when she saw the gleaming eyes and stubborn chin.

"We should have a Christmas party!" Alice exclaimed, nearly bouncing on her bed.

Bella squeezed the armrest of Alice's chair too hard and accidentally pulverized it. "Oh. Wow. That sounds nice. But I figured we'd have a quiet, relaxing Christmas—"

Alice rolled her eyes before stooping to pick up the splintered pieces of wood. "Quiet plus relaxing equals boring. Besides, I'm not talking about a _lot_ of people. We can't get rid of Jacob, so we might as well invite his pack. Charlie will want to come, which means Sue will too. I also thought we could invite the Denali coven." She gestured with wide, graceful movements as if she would encompass the world in her plans.

Humans, werewolves, and vampires all together for the holidays. They needed new Christmas songs for that type of occasion. "I don't know—,"

"Oh, c'mon, Bella!" Alice protested. "I wasn't here last Christmas, and it sounds like it was miserable for those who _were _here. I want to make up for it this year. Nessie deserves a big Christmas while she's still young."

Leave it to Alice to hand out guilt for Christmas. Unfortunately, she was right. One year ago, Alice and Jasper had been searching the Amazon rain forest. Everyone else had been at home preparing for a confrontation with the Volturi. Nessie's first Christmas had been wrapped up in worries and trimmed with fear.

"Fine," Bella relented, "for Nessie's sake." As if Alice wouldn't have thrown the party anyway, with or without Bella's consent.

Alice grinned. "You won't regret it. This will be the best Christmas ever!"

Bella realized that if she had regrets now, she would carry those regrets until the end of time.

Wonderful.

*********

On Christmas Eve, Jacob willingly agreed to take Nessie hunting. While they were gone, everyone else pitched in to quickly decorate the house.

Alice unraveled thousands of Christmas lights, leftover from Bella's graduation party and wedding. She instructed Carlisle and Esme to wind the lights along the driveway and hang the extras on the house. Alice continued to open boxes and delegate responsibilities. Jasper hung mistletoe while Bella and Edward hung stockings and wreaths.

Emmett ran out to the forest to uproot a spruce tree. He carried it inside and set it up in the living room, the top branches nearly touching the ceiling. Then he and Rosalie hung ornaments, lights, and garland. Bella snickered when she saw the tinsel strands stuck to Emmett's clothes.

The stereo played quiet Christmas music, but the vampires could discern every word: "_Run, run, Rudolph, you got to run, Rudolph._"

"Who sings this song?" Bella wondered aloud.

"Hanson!" Alice called from the yard where she was organizing poinsettias. "Aren't they fabulous?"

Emmett groaned. "Not Hanson _again_! This deer song always makes me thirsty!"

As soon as he said it, a burn scorched Bella's throat like the strike of a match. Concentrating on the beat of the music, she found her feet tapping in the semblance of a rhythm. The song was catchy if she didn't listen to the words. She managed to cool the burn to a simmer.

Then Edward was beside her. "Are you all right?" he murmured. "You look a little… twitchy."

Bella sighed. Even with the grace of a vampire, she still didn't know much about dancing. Edward had promised to teach her everything he knew; but their days were occupied with Nessie, and their nights were occupied in other ways. She was in no hurry to learn how to dance—they had forever. Literally.

Suddenly Jacob and Nessie returned. Bella heard Nessie approach the yard, heard her gasp when she saw the Christmas lights. The young girl ran inside, twirling in circles to see every new aspect of the house. "It's beautiful!" she said, delighted.

Chronologically, Nessie was only sixteen months old. Physically, she looked like a five-year-old. But if you considered her behavior and intelligence she seemed even older. Edward often joked that Nessie would soon be smarter than Emmett.

Alice had been right, as usual—Nessie needed a fun Christmas. Next year she'd probably look like a nine-year-old.

Nessie ran and jumped into Bella's arms. She placed her palm on Bella's cheek and sent an image of the house's exterior, sparkling with thousands of lights.

Bella smiled. "You're right, it _is _beautiful. It was Alice's idea. She wants to have a Christmas party."

Another image flashed into Bella's head: last Christmas, and the party at Charlie's house. Bella nodded. "This year the party is at our house."

Nessie gave her a crooked grin and jumped down. She ran straight into Jacob's arms and proceeded to show him images too.

Edward, who had been listening in on Nessie's thoughts, whispered in Bella's ear. "She hasn't once thought about presents, or Santa Claus, or anything else that most children associate with Christmas."

Bella frowned at him. "So? Isn't that a good thing? I don't want her to only care about presents."

"It's a good thing," Edward agreed. "But it's not normal for a child her age."

Bella pondered that for a moment. Nessie had never been a _normal _child by any means. She'd hardly cried during her baby years and never thrown a tantrum in her toddler years. She was always sweet and loving, careful and understanding.

During her human life, Bella had dreaded toddlers—bossy, pouting, out-of-control toddlers. She had a fuzzy memory of the time Edward took her to the Turkish restaurant in Port Angeles, where they'd sat by a toddler named Eddie. For a minute he'd shown her his sweet side, but mostly he'd thrown Cheerios at Edward and wreaked havoc.

Remembering Eddie, Bella suddenly got an idea. She drew in a sharp, unnecessary breath at the brilliance of it.

"What are you thinking about?" Edward asked her.

Bella just smiled. She knew how to give him a _normal _child.

**********

Alice called everyone about the party (after Bella talked her out of personally delivering handwritten invitations). Christmas morning, Edward and Bella were put in charge of cooking since they had the most experience. They sent Jacob out to buy some last-minute ingredients. Nessie read a book on the new Kindle Edward had given her for Christmas. Alice had everyone else setting up tables and chairs while she put the finishing touches on the decorations.

At three p.m., Charlie and Sue arrived. Bella's mouth fell open when she saw Charlie in a Santa Claus costume. Nessie hesitated until she recognized his scent, then laughed and ran to him. He scooped her up into a bear hug. "HO, HO, HO! Merry Christmas!"

Soon afterwards came the werewolves: Sam (with Emily), Quil, Leah, Seth, and Embry. They all laughed good-naturedly at Charlie, which helped them overcome their initial awkwardness around the vampires. They'd all been on good terms since Nessie's birth, but the natural revulsion between the two species was hard to ignore completely.

Last to arrive were the Denali coven—Eleazar, Carmen, Tanya, Kate, and Garrett—who had stopped for some fast food (mountain lions) to prepare for their proximity to humans. Nessie was thrilled to see them again and shared countless images with each one.

Edward and Bella had spent all day cooking food, yet it was barely enough to feed the wolves. Even Leah swallowed her pride… and a whole lot of turkey.

The vampires sat nearby, but not too close; they didn't want their scents to ruin the wolves' appetites. Carlisle managed to keep up a polite conversation with the wolves despite the distance.

_If not for Charlie and Sue, we could have just carried in a deer and plopped it on the table, _Bella thought wryly.

After the meal, everyone mingled and admired Alice's extravagant decorations. Mistletoe hung _everywhere_: every doorway, every window, every single protrusion that could hold a bundle of leaves. At first Bella enjoyed it, finding multiple excuses to kiss Edward in every room. But then she made the mistake of leaving Edward's side for one moment to go check on Nessie.

Jacob stood at the entrance to the kitchen, leaning against the doorframe as he watched Nessie sit on Charlie/Santa's lap. Bella paused, smiling at the scene before her. Charlie was asking Nessie if she'd been a good girl and what she wanted for Christmas. Then he'd pull a gift out of his big canvas bag and let her open it.

"Grandpa spoiled her again," Jacob said with a snort, pretending irritation but secretly enjoying the scene as much as Bella.

"Oh, like you didn't—." Bella's words choked off suddenly as she looked up at Jacob. The top of his head was brushing a clump of mistletoe.

He glanced down at her in confusion. "What?" Seeing her horrified eyes, he followed her gaze.

And then—irony of all ironies—he blushed. Two years ago, _she_ would've been the one blushing, and Jacob would've just laughed and kissed her against her will. She could no longer blush; but she still had those human memories, including one of kissing her most-likely-future-son-in-law. Not a friendly peck on the cheek either, but a make-out session with dog slobber and tongue.

Would Bella have to someday explain that to Nessie?! _Sweetie, I know he's the love of your life… but before you were born, I kissed him and considered having his puppies_.

Jacob and Bella both started talking at once.

"I better thank Charlie for those gifts—"

"I need to remind Leah of something—"

Still talking, they quickly left the doorway and walked in opposite directions. Bella made a mental note to throttle Alice later on for the stupid mistletoe.

She stopped in her tracks. Had Alice _known _this would happen?! Bella focused with her ears, trying to pinpoint Alice. She heard trilling laughter on the second floor.

Bella gritted her teeth and thought un-Christmas-y thoughts.

**********

Later that evening when the humans and werewolves left, Bella decided to launch Operation Eddie. She led Nessie into the kitchen and took out the hidden box of Cheerios (which Jacob had secretly picked up at the store for her). Bella pulled out a note from her pocket and showed it to Nessie. Earlier she'd written silent directions: _Throw these at Daddy, but hide your thoughts or he'll hear you coming._

Nessie read the note and frowned. She placed her small palm on Bella's cheek, showing an image of an angry Edward covered in Cheerios.

Bella grabbed a pen and wrote—_I promise he won't get mad. It's just for fun._

Nessie smiled as she read the words, then nodded. Bella handed her the box of Cheerios, stifling a sigh. Maybe corrupting her perfect daughter wasn't a good idea after all.

It was too late now. Nessie was already creeping through the door in search of Edward. Bella stayed in the kitchen, peeking around the doorframe.

Luckily, Edward did not suspect a thing. He was on the other side of the living room, deep in conversation with Garrett. Nessie snuck across the room, a predator stalking her prey, using each piece of furniture as cover. Bella couldn't help but feel proud of her hunting skills.

Nessie had almost reached Edward when Emmett spotted her. He didn't say anything… but his thoughts must have betrayed her intentions, for Edward turned away from Garrett with a curious look on his face.

In that second, Nessie realized the element of surprise was gone. She popped up from behind the couch and began to launch Cheerios at Edward's head.

Edward could have easily avoided the flying O's, but he was too stunned to move. He just stood there while Nessie pelted him with supernatural speed and accuracy. The astonishment and confusion on his face made Bella giggle, then laugh uncontrollably. She held her sides and shook with mirth, unable to stop.

Everyone else was laughing too, but somehow Bella's laugh got Edward's attention. He zeroed in on her immediately, his confusion disappearing. Now he knew who was responsible for Nessie's strange behavior, and Bella knew she was in trouble.

"I'll deal with you later," Edward warned Nessie in a tone lightened by his grin. Then he sprinted for Bella with shocking speed.

Bella had less than a second to hesitate. She spun around and raced for the back door. Swinging it open, she jumped through just as Edward grabbed for her. She felt his fingers brush her hair—then she was halfway across the yard with a single leap.

She landed and jumped again in one fluid motion; this time she cleared the stream. She started running as soon as her feet touched the other side, knowing she'd need every possible second if she wanted to outrun Edward.

It was fruitless, as always; he was just too fast. She heard his footsteps gaining even as she pushed herself to run faster than she'd ever run before. Then his feet crunched—followed by a second of silence—

_Thwack! _Edward tackled Bella in midair, then twisted so he hit the ground first. _Thwump! _She landed on top of him and immediately tried to spring up again. He locked his arms around her and rolled, pinning her to the ground.

Even if Edward was faster, Bella still had her newborn strength. She could have broken free of his hold… but she no longer felt like running.

"You, my dear, have some explaining to do." His eyes glowed with excitement—whether from the chase or their closeness, Bella couldn't tell.

"I only wanted to show you that our daughter could be normal, too."

Seeing his confusion, Bella placed her hands on his face and closed her eyes. She'd improved at lifting her shield during the past year, but it still required intense concentration. Fighting against the stretched elastic, she focused on her memory of Eddie the toddler.

After a minute she allowed the shield to snap back into place. She opened her eyes to see Edward staring at her in awe, the way he always did when she shared her thoughts. "Do you remember that?"

"You know I do," he whispered. Of course—he couldn't forget even if he wanted to. And no doubt he'd _really _wanted to forget Eddie.

Bella, on the other hand, had to struggle to recall the hazy details. "In the car, after we left the restaurant… I said I only wanted children if you were the father."

"Yes," he said warily.

"And then you said, 'I wish I could read your mind.' But that's not what you meant to say, was it?"

He hesitated, smiling at her with a strange mixture of sadness, embarrassment, and joy. "No. I almost said, 'I wish I could father your children.'"

She grinned, feeling vindicated. "And you did."

"You have a habit of making all my wishes come true."

"Oh, and you don't?" She laughed. "I have the perfect husband _and _the perfect child. Forever."

She kissed him. She never had to worry about fainting anymore, or worry her heart would stop beating. She no longer blushed constantly or fueled Edward's masochistic fire.

But some things would never change. He still dazzled her, made her dizzy with love and desire. She still stared at his beauty, still breathed hard when no breath was necessary. Her heart did not beat, but it belonged to him all the same. Sometimes she felt as though he might jump-start it.

The kiss deepened, and she slid her hands into his hair. She hadn't realized she was searching for something until she found it: a small, grainy circle. She kissed Edward harder to hide her discovery and her glee.

She'd learned long ago not to mention things like Cheerio-hair to Edward.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: **For a long time, I've been wondering what Edward would think when Nessie was fully-grown and there was nothing left to hold Jacob back. This chapter is a brief glimpse into possibility. You'll also see the book EYES OF LIGHTNING mentioned, which is a bit of shameless self-promotion on my part—I wrote that book! If you love the romance and sarcasm of "Edward Vs. the Toddler," you'll love EYES OF LIGHTNING. It just released in November, and the ebook is now half-price. For more info, visit my Erin Keyser Horn website. Merry Christmas to all of you, and many blessings in 2013!

**Disclaimer:** All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the authors. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

**Edward Vs. His Seven-Going-on-Seventeen Daughter**

Ten years ago, Edward Cullen had never met Bella Swan. Nine years ago, he'd almost killed her in Biology II. Eight years ago, he'd almost killed himself in Italy. At the time, their happily-ever-after had seemed impossible. Fathering a child had seemed doubly impossible.

Yet here he stood in the cottage he shared with his wife and daughter. His beautiful family—proof of the impossible. Life was perfect.

Almost.

The one flaw was time. Time, which should've been on his side. Wasn't that the whole point of immortality? What good was vampirism if he still couldn't outrun time?

Bella slipped her arms around his waist. His self-pity was so consuming, he hadn't noticed her cat-like steps behind him. She rested her cheek between his shoulder blades.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Why do you ask?"

"Because you've done nothing but scowl at the clock for the last twenty minutes. I was worried time had turned you into a statue."

He took a breath—his first in twenty minutes—and tried to relax against her body. She could usually drain his tension like a sieve, but his muscles were still coiled for a run.

"It's about our daughter, isn't it?" She snuggled even closer to him.

"So you're the mind-reader now." He lifted her hands and kissed them.

"You should talk to her before Jacob gets here."

Edward stiffened back into statue mode. "I think you would handle the situation better."

"She's a girl, not a situation."

But Nessie wasn't a girl anymore—that was the problem. Carlisle's tape measure hadn't detected growth for weeks. She'd easily achieved the state's homeschooling requirements for a high school diploma. After just seven years of life, Nessie was a young woman mentally and physically ready for college.

And Jacob Black, the mongrel, was ready to propose to her.

Edward wasn't supposed to know. The day before, he'd come back from a hunt and passed within hearing distance of Jacob and Nessie. They'd been lounging in the shade of birch trees, oblivious to Edward's nearby presence. The conversation had been innocent enough, but Jacob's mind had run wild as a wolf with plans for proposing. It would happen soon. Edward had sprinted home and conveyed the sob story to Bella.

Now the scowl returned to Edward's face. No wonder Jacob had avoided him lately. He was afraid Edward would read his intentions and chase his sorry tail to Canada.

Bella slid in front of him, her arms still locked around his waist. "We've known this was coming for . . . approximately seven years. It was only a matter of time."

"Time," Edward groaned. "Time is a deceiver and a thief."

"Someone's not ready to lose his little girl," Bella said with a gentle smile.

"How can I ever be ready for that?"

She kissed his lips, then led him through the cottage, stopping outside the closed door to Nessie's room. Edward shook his head at Bella, but her smile had grown mischievous. She knocked on the door and flitted away before he could grab her.

"Come in," Nessie invited.

Sighing, he pushed the door open, hesitating on the threshold. Nessie was leaning close to her vanity mirror as she applied eyeliner.

"You don't need makeup," he said automatically. "You're beautiful without it."

It was true. Just when he thought she couldn't get more beautiful, she did. She still had bronze hair curling to her waist, chocolate eyes, and a flawless cream-and-roses complexion. But each day, womanhood seemed to add one more stroke of paint—making her colors a little brighter, her features slightly more defined. Nessie's beauty wasn't static like a vampire's; it was ever evolving.

Most teenage girls would've rolled their painted eyes, told their dads to lighten up or mind their own business. But Nessie smiled at him as if he didn't sound like a broken record. "Thanks, Dad."

Edward almost wished she'd get mad and tell him to leave her alone. Would that make it easier for him? Give him an excuse for putting distance between them?

But he didn't want distance between them, even if it would hurt him more in the long run. He took a few steps closer, gathering courage to speak his mind. He chickened out, as usual. Stalling by her desk, he picked up a book titled _Eyes of Lightning_. "This any good?"

She nodded before turning back to the mirror. "It has _three _cute boys. I can't decide which one would be the best fit for Ivy."

"Is it hard to decide in real life?" he blurted.

When she looked back at him, her smile reminded him of Bella. "Not for me."

He forced the words out but couldn't meet her eyes. "You don't have to choose Jacob, you know. Don't feel obligated because of the imprinting. Even if he'd . . . suffer without you, you shouldn't let that influence you. It's your choice." He was rambling as badly as a human Bella. Still, it was better than throwing a tantrum and ordering her never to see Jacob again.

Nessie set down the eyeliner and faced him. From her thoughts, he knew she was wondering what had brought on _this _conversational detour. "I don't feel obligated, and nothing's influencing me but my own heart. I love Jake—I always have. He's the only choice for me."

He searched her lovely face. He searched her loyal thoughts. Both confirmed her words. He couldn't search her heart, but he could trust her to know it well. He should've felt relieved by his daughter's confidence in her love. But that meant she would say yes when Jacob popped the question. He would lose her to that dirty dog forever.

Some of the conflict must've shown on his face, for Nessie crossed the distance between them. "I want to show you something." She placed her soft palm against his cheek.

Her abilities had grown more powerful over time. She could now transfer vivid images complete with sound, movement, and three-dimensional brilliance. It was like watching a movie in an IMAX theater, except the movie featured people he knew.

Edward saw himself in the woods, walking hand-in-hand with Bella. He was gazing at her with an adoration he would've deemed sappy on anyone else's face. "I love you," he murmured, kissing her.

The image shifted to another scene in the woods. Edward and Bella were gone, leaving Jacob's face as Nessie's sole focus. He had the same gooey expression for her that Edward had for Bella. Thankfully, the movie stopped before Edward could see Jacob's ugly maw closing in for a kiss.

Nessie lowered her hand. "I learned about real love from you and Mom. I can recognize it in Jake and me."

Edward took a sour, unnecessary breath. "If he's what you truly want . . . I won't stand in your way."

"You never have. That's one of the things I love about you, Dad."

As she hugged him and kissed his cheek, Edward realized she had the power to break his heart and put it back together again. She'd always had that power over him, and she always would.

* * *

After Jacob picked up Nessie for their date and Edward did his best not to tear out his throat, Bella dragged Edward to the couch and tried to massage his rock-hard shoulders.

"I'm proud of you," she whispered in his ear.

He glared at the clock, counting the minutes Nessie was gone. "If they get married, they might have a baby—25% human, 25% vampire, and 50% puppy."

Bella laughed, a symphony of bells. "And you'll be the best-looking grandpa in the world."

He rubbed his temples. "Please don't call me that."

She continued as if she hadn't heard him. "Maybe then you'll get the true toddler experience. I think I still have a box of Cheerios around here somewhere . . ."


End file.
